My Story “A Hero’s Journey” B-Everlasting Love. Life after Life ~ There and back again.
I have struggled my whole life to put my thoughts into words. Like my insides are disconnected, but I never understood why? This excerpt is an unfolding of a few chapters in my time here Earthside.
Where do we begin? It’s natural we start at the beginning, but what if we share this story from reverse? Is it strange and confusing? Does it boggle your mind to see things from the ending? My starting point is in 1986. A time period when an experience road blocked me & changed my life forever. This event was an accident that has transitioned me into NOW:
I died at the age of 5. That’s the short story.
Read the extended version: READ ME
Watch NDE interview: Watch HERE
Watch NDE interview: Watch Here
Interview on Vintage Mother: Listen Here
This is a story about life – death, overcoming fear & tossing all the doubt right out the window. Surviving & thriving post complex PTSD. That’s how this all started. I am humbled, grateful and honored that I get to stand today & share a perspective of my why. How’s that for beautiful change?
What is Complex PTSD?
Have you experienced this yourself? Do you know someone who has gone through deep trauma? Upon IMPACT – it changes your entire body make up. Including the cellular levels. The influx of cortisol in the body shocks it into seeing from another perspective if you are lucky to survive the impact.
Psychology today defines C-PTSD
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder describes a set of disruptive symptoms that emerge after experiencing inescapable traumatic life events. Especially those of a horrific or threatening nature or which recur or accumulate over a period of time.
US Government defines PTSD
Many traumatic events (e.g.. car accidents, natural disasters etc.) are of time limited duration. However in some cases people experience chronic trauma that continues or repeats for months or years at a time. Some have suggested that the current PTSD diagnosis does not fully capture the severe psychological harm that occurs with prolonged, repeated trauma. Treatment considerations for those with such complex trauma histories are reviewed.
Medical New Today states: Traditional PTSD will affect nearly 7% of people in the US at some point in their lives. Who is of the lucky 7%??
I am Sorry
I Forgive You
Thank You
I Love You
~ Ho’oponopono
These are just a few issues that may arise if you are labeled with PTSD – everyone processes & handles it differently.
- Behavior difficulties (impulsivity, aggressiveness, sexually acting out)
- emotional difficulties (rage, depression, and panic)
- Cognitive difficulties (dissociation, pathological changes in personal identity)
- Interpersonal difficulties (chaotic personal relationships)
- Somatization (many visits to medical practitioners)
What makes this topic even “more fun” – extended exposures to these traumatic events will cause havoc on all levels – Mind – Body – Spirit mis-alignment.
Basically my entire life has been a big mess until I decided to grab the ropes and help myself.
HOW?
I fly alone – like a lone wolf howling at the moon – I cried, I wandered outside aimlessly – I cried some more as I fell into more isolation. Alone with my thoughts and the feeling of not being able to ask for help is real. That is a vast feeling that is seeded deep into the roots. These inescapable rooted issued extended my healing & recovery time.
I was taught to be strong and fight for what you believe in. It’s a good thing I believed in myself when the world and everyone I knew gave up on me. I am thankful that my parents were able to help me sort my life out post divorce. They helped me when I needed assistance. Pride may have driven my parents boat, but they humbled themselves and honored my choice to walk away from a 10 year marriage with 4 kids under 9 to raise alone. Little did I know that this divorce would be pro-longed 7 years plus a nasty custody battle that never seemed to end. It was a roller-coaster and volatile time in my mid-life crisis. My sole focus was my kids. Helping them stay involved and holding them up so they did not feel the wrath of the evil that kept pounding at the door. There was no place safe except within the shelter of my parents home. I needed 24 hour protection while away from the marital home. My ex hand turned to his darkest moments of unpredictability. I was victim of his predictable patterns for over 10 years. I took what was coming to me – beaten, physically & emotionally abused, controlled, manipulated, gas lighted & projected onto all while I made excuses to cover it up. downplayed how bad life had gotten. By the time I got the courage to leave the marriage, I was downright fearful of my life. I was afraid that he would completely snap into a sociopath status. Unpredictable and unwilling to stop until I was dead. For his satisfaction. Honestly his actions truly lived up to all my fears – as if I was the screen play writing of what was happening. I was not wrong to feel the extreme depths of fearful living. His actions were proof in the pudding that need to justify the reasons why I left. As I clutched onto my reasons why – I was fragmented into a million fearful fireflies – spread across space time. Divided & stretched thin, living inside a glass house display in our small town life.
It has been 12 years post divorce. 37 years post near death incident. I would like to think that we have moved along, however there are still those urges of fear that pipe up out of the blue – turn my neck hairs into shackle pins standing on end – frightened + heightened awareness. Sadly I do not know if any of this will ever go away. I have learned how to calm myself – so it’s effects do not wipe me off the emotional map for a day, a week, a month or up to a year+ Depression is a dirty b-iotch. Complex PTSD is more of a witch’s b-iotch. Put them together it’s hell in a handbag of toxic Ph-un?? (Smart One)
Sorting the pieces, taking life day by day – seems like an ok place to accept what happened. Slowly growing in my ability to trust myself and turn on my intuition once again as I unlock pieces of myself. I find there are still more doors to open – dig deeper into the abyss of my eternal self. At what point do you know you are done ?? Perhaps we are never truly done healing until we die at the end of this life. That’s when everything will be clear again. Will we miss being earthside ? Or is it just as exciting acting and helping others thru the veil of understanding? Perhaps that is the cycle we must ride & fall to find out.
WHO ?
Am I
Aside from the obvious: Female, 42, mother to 6 womb fruits. My full time gig being available for my crew while carving out moments for me — to be B — whatever I need on any given day.
I have found solace in photographing weddings for nearly 20 years. LOVE is very present on a wedding day. That is a high vibe frequency that I can taste, touch, hear & smell. MY HAPPY PLACE!! Capturing those moments that disappear too quickly. I love to share those reminiscent trinkets candidly, the nuances of laughter or a glance from a significant other to a mate. Dinner served up pretty on the plate while surrounded by all your favorite people. The day curated & designed: built upon family & love. Every wedding has offered me insights on what it means to be in love. How each couple surrounds themselves with those they cherish the most. All of this sparks me at the soul level.
Over the past 20 years I am honored to have captured over 350+ weddings. NO JOKE – lots of time in the trenches – zero regrets – time well spent learning. IMHO
Music has always played a part in my life. I started piano at the age of 7 and studied under a variety of teachers. Classical, Suzuki, Pop, Rock & Jazz. I learned the black and white of the keys. Music has always spoken to me, provided a safe harbor to play my heart into sounds. What does your theme song sound like? I have been composing a life song – since I was 14. It’s built upon added to during different time periods in my life. Each movement has carried me in the dark and in the light. Reflections from my heart, that speak my soul and the reason I am who I am now.
The day I found my cello was the first day I felt ALIVE! Ignition upon first bow & good sound. It was a connection point that spun my mind and sparked my heart full of JOY. full throttle! Intentionally I practiced daily. The sound of a dead moo-ing cow was so loud in the house, my mother claimed to have the best gardens around town that summer. I can’t deny that claim – the flowers were always so beautiful to see outside and around my childhood home. I had a “normal” upbringing. Went to college and continued to pursue music & Forensic Science. Yup – I was a science junky. I enjoyed DNA mapping and testing hypothesis with chemical analogies. Chemical properties & macro life things gave me a place to deep dive into potentials and what if questions. It was child splay.
I lived the college life to the fullest. DDD: Dancing. Drinking. Drugs. Repeat daily. I was searching for life in the social aspects, in all the wrong ways & found nothing. Except the school of hard knocks & failing all my classes. I had a choice to make – leave school – or change majors. I opted to try something different. I finished college with a degree in Interior Design, with an in depth study of color theory application. How colors affect our home environments and our moods. Are you happily surrounded by your 4 walls in your house or do they feel suffocating ?
WHY
Why am I here?
Photography + Music
=sights + sounds. Things that I have always known in this life and previous lives. At a crossroads when 2 of my favorite things come together in one place.
to be continued . . .
